Cultivating

feminism

The Journey - Finding Wellness

This is an open journal about my journey exploring feminism.

10.12.23 --

So it’s been a minute or two, okay, two and half weeks since I last journaled anything. But what a two-and-a-half weeks it’s been. What I have been planning and experiencing will come to light next week. But I have been thinking and meditating a lot about wellness. What is living “well.” How do we know if we are living in wellness?

Personally, wellness has always carried the connotation of youthfulness, beauty, and thinness. That you could visibly look at someone and know how well they were. And I have honestly never felt I fit into “wellness.” I maybe had youthfulness on my side at one time, but the other two, whew, those have been a struggle for me. Then, twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. That didn’t change my appearance, but it sure changed my overall wellness. I don’t suppose I change much on the outside every day, but there is a battle for wellness inside every single day. And while I have found routines and treatments to help me, the roller coaster of wellness wages on every single day.

So fast forward to the last few months, to today. Wellness has taken on a whole new meaning. I am about to join a community (not like a cult or anything) but a wellness community that focuses on joining women on their wellness or healing journey, encouraging them to live well, and empowering them to connect and support one another, to love themselves and others unconditionally, and to rewrite their story for themselves.

I still struggle with my old idea of wellness. How do I fit in this community? Am I well enough to take this next step? And the answer is yes. As a friend recently told me, “Healers aren’t healed.” Because at the end of the day, what is healed? Are you ever really well? Much like happiness, neither healed nor wellness is a destination. It's a journey, all of it. And I am stepping forward to create safe spaces for others to join me or start their own journey.

I am still struggling with letting go of my old wellness ideas and how I may not even fit in with the mainstream wellness picture. But I can honestly say that I feel closer to wellness today than I have in my entire life. I am quieting the insecurities and self-doubt perpetuated by external influences that have nothing to do with me or my journey. My soul was meant to live in wellness. I can feel it. I have imagined everything I have ever carried and worried about. I’ve held on to hurt, loss, and memories and tried to control the outcome of relationships and my life. And with no success, I might add. None of what I tried to do has worked. I have spent most of my life trying to treat others with as much kindness and compassion as I can (which I am sure I have failed at, too). I loved people who maybe didn’t deserve it, and I also haven’t loved others as well as they deserved.

But when it came to myself, I never felt “good enough” to consider wellness. I felt I was unworthy of even seeking it. I thought wellness meant I had to exercise 6 times a week, diet all the time, and shrink to a size that looked like wellness. Wellness to me meant pain and depravity; it meant pushing my limits and starving my body. It was a number, either pants size or weight. I wasn’t well until both numbers were the smallest they had ever been. So I didn’t want to go to the yoga class or buy pretty clothes. Or take a picture, let alone share a picture. I didn’t want to show vulnerability or love my body. I had to wait for wellness to be me.

But then this picture, this moment happened. Honestly, it is not one I wanted anyone to see. But as I prepare for the next leg of my life journey and join the “wellness” community, I keep returning to this picture. This exact moment. When I looked at myself and said, “I love you.” This was the moment I thanked my body for getting me this far. And it was the moment I promised to do better for my body, mind, and soul. It was then I realized wellness doesn’t have to hurt. It doesn’t require me to shrink, and it does not need anything from me except love. Love for myself first, and then others. Showing I love myself enough to drink water, move my body when I can, and care about what I eat. To love myself enough to learn new things, let go of control, and enjoy the journey.

So, no, I may not be what others think of when it comes to wellness, but I do know there are so many out there who want to feel well but don’t know if they can. Who, just like me, thinks wellness is something they must achieve? I want to expand the space and make room for anyone yearning to feel acceptance, love, and safety. There’s room enough in the wellness community, and I am telling you that you are worthy and loved. Your soul longs for you to love yourself enough to believe you can.