Cultivating

feminism

The Journey - Week 2

This is an open journal about my journey exploring feminism.

8.14.23

Rules. So, let’s talk about gender norms. Or specifically how women vs. men view safety. I can almost bet most women/females (including female-presenting individuals, females assigned at birth, and trans women) can list at least five things they do daily to help them feel safer or actually be safer. They probably wouldn’t even need to pause. They could likely provide another list of five things they have been told not to do to “keep safe.” I am even sitting here contemplating giving out my five to make myself vulnerable to a perpetrator reading this. So, I am choosing not to.

In general, we are taught to lock our doors, don’t run or walk at night, have pepper spray, don’t go to a bar alone, never leave our drink unattended, don’t let acquaintances in your house when you are alone, walk with your keys between your fingers, if you are running or walking, don’t have earbuds in both ears, watch what you wear, watch how you flirt, don’t get drunk, if you do get drunk, make sure a girl gives you a ride home...the list goes on and on. What happens if we don’t do all or any one of those things?

We all know the answer, or at least most women or females do. We know because we all know someone whom something has happened or it has happened to us personally. But what happens if we do follow all the rules?

On the flip side, most women or females know someone who, or they themselves, did all the things to be safe, and something still happened. And what I have experienced is the blame still falls on the female/woman. Because there was a loophole somewhere they should have thought about, right? No. Wrong. This is messed up!

Before I go further, I am not saying bad things don’t happen to males/men. They do. I simply state that women/females are programmed and taught things that are supposed to keep them safe/safer. Also, men of color, feminine presenting boys, and trans males are taught rules to keep them safer or feel safer. I don’t have specifics because I never needed those rules, but I know they exist, and I know there are reasons why.

But are women/females any safer if we follow all these rules? If we think of every scenario we can to be safe, limit ourselves and our actions to blend in enough that we won’t be the target if we are just “good enough,” then what? Bad things won’t happen? Didn’t we all just think of someone a few minutes ago who followed all the rules and still wasn’t safe? Does this make sense to anyone else? Because it has never made sense to me?

Why are we all okay with limiting ourselves, modifying our freedoms, and sacrificing our overall health (because living in a hypervigilant state is NOT healthy)? Why are we not demanding safety? Freedom? Peace of mind?

I read an article not long ago, and I apologize for not having a link for it, but it talked about the idea that if I do A, B, C, etc., to be safe, then I am safe. But that leaves the woman/female who doesn’t or hasn’t been “taught” A, B, C, etc., vulnerable. If I have the nail polish that, when dipped in my drink, can tell me if my drink has been drugged, then I am safe. But the girl who doesn’t, or couldn’t afford it, is left to fend for herself. I am safer if I have the handy dandy taiser that fits in my purse to fight off an attacker. But the girl who didn’t see the flyer, or again, didn’t have the money, or doesn’t have pockets to carry it in, is what? The sacrificial lamb? Are we okay to sacrifice someone who doesn’t “know better” or who doesn’t have the means to make her environment safer?

I am not saying that we shouldn’t do things that keep us safer overall, or gives us peace of mind for a bit, or lets us have fun with less worry. But are we okay with leaving it there? Leaving someone women/females out of safety? Are we OK with bad things happening to anyone else?

I am not okay with it. Not at all! I am not OK with living in a world where I have to fear injury, assault, and/or death on a daily basis. I am not okay with the fact that those who don’t have the means to are more vulnerable to injury, assault, or death. I am not OK with two standards of freely living. Because simply put, that is what we have. We have two standards of freedom for men and women.

What are the kinds of behaviors men/males do to keep safe? And I am talking about everyday habits they have been programmed to believe will keep them from getting attacked, injured, or worse. The ones specific to them that if they choose free will, or to live carefreely, could get them killed? I believe it is a concise list, if one at all. Maybe wear a condom, don’t get a girl pregnant, don’t wear pink, don’t cry, don’t….act like a _____?

Girl. Because if you act like a girl, what happens? Because if you act like a girl, you better live by their rules, or else what? So is that a rule for men or women?

I know most of this is the “extreme” of feminism that most roll their eyes. But it is not extreme. I assure you it is reality. According to the World Health Organization, as of March 2021, 1 in 3 women worldwide have experienced violence in their lifetime. (https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women). Okay, well, what about the United States? It has to be way better here. Maybe a little; it’s 1 in 4. It’s been 1 in 4 for a long time and will stay there unless we move for change.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has more statistics if you are interested. (https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS)

So I will leave you with three things to contemplate, and I won’t give the answers yet in this journey. 1. Who or what are we trying to be safe from? 2. Who is left in the margins with the rules and tools we must access and practice to keep safe? 3. What changes need to occur for us to ensure safety for all?

8.10.23 - As I started Week 2 of this journey, the novelty of sharing and being brave got to me. A little vulnerability hangover, which is a real thing; click here to learn more! I also had a busy couple of days, and with the doubt starting to creep through, I needed a pause. Also, I was finishing the book Verity, which, if you know, you know! A mind-twisting book with an ending I couldn’t have predicted, like ever. And I knew the end of The Sixth Sense from the beginning.

I was going to push myself to write something, but I also wanted to embrace the organic aspect of this project. So I am going to write when I feel led to write. I do promise I will write a few times a week.

My last few days have been emotions, healing, and new beginnings.

Emotions. My grandma has been ill for a while. She is 96 years of beautiful. Her life story is one I couldn’t even begin to understand all that she endured and experienced. How much the world has changed! But her sweetness and childlike love for babies and chickens is still so sweet and innocent. She has started to take a turn, and I think her body is tired. So I have had that on my mind daily, with continued flashing memories of her throughout my life. Also, coming to terms with living on without her here.

Healing. I had my second Thai Yoga session with Alisha. You can check out her website here—whew…deep breath. I have definitely cracked my hard outer shell, or she helped me break it open. Emotions are challenging for me. I like to pack them away, ignore them, distract myself, use sarcasm, or anything rather than feel the feels. Especially those I have conditioned myself to believe are “bad.” As we should all know, no emotion is wrong or bad. In my experience, you may have to have that on repeat in your head as you feel tears coming on during Thai Yoga. My first instinct was to leave the room and cry alone. But I lay there with it, feeling it. And a LOT of tears came. So clearly crying and feeling sadness, grief, anger, resentment, and disappointment are things I like to store away like a chipmunk waiting for winter. And little movie clips of my life accompanied the tears as I felt each emotion, and sometimes it was just waves of stored emotion with no specific feeling or underlying cause. But the safety I felt processing all this with Alisha was unexplainable. Her healing energy is extraordinary, and when she hugged me at the end, I cried….again.

New beginnings. School has started again. It feels like someone has sped up the clock on my life, and my last kiddo at home is beginning the fourth grade. And maybe school resuming, my grandma being ill, and my hard outer shell chipping away, life feels heavier.

So what does any of this have to do with feminism? I have always felt that feminism correlates with strength, courage, change, boldness, and fearlessness. While it does, those aspects are what propel us forward. Feminism encompasses the softness, realness, and vulnerability of life too. Growing older and embracing the changes in your life and body takes guts and boldness. Feeling relevant in a society that envies youth and perfection can make it challenging to mature while embracing your vulnerability gracefully. The softness of feminism is how we connect with ourselves and each other. Peeling away the protective armor we think we must wear to be a true feminist. Connecting with other individuals, celebrating differences, and learning from one another is a concept woven into the history of the feminine aspects of society.

So, soon, I will be adding another aspect to this project. Stay patient and stay tuned while I work out the details. I will share as soon as I can how I, and hopefully all of you, can embrace the softer side of feminism and build connections.

Cheers!