Cultivating

feminism

The Journey - Week 1

This is an open journal about my journey exploring feminism.

8.7.23 - Space.

While working in the movement to end gender-based violence, I saw a shift in how we cared for ourselves as advocates. We collectively discovered self-love and self-care were as vital to the movement as any other aspect. The same as answering crisis line calls, responding to the emergency room to advocate for a sexual assault victim, or helping a domestic violence victim create a safety plan.

Embracing our humanity and needs meant we could enjoy our work more, actually have lives outside of work, and have a more significant impact in the long run. We learned that balancing your energy flows (what gives you energy and what needs energy from you) was vital to thriving.

None of this was easy for a movement full of advocates and feminists! We all had been pushing hard, trying to work on all the aspects of ending gender-based violence (from crisis services to community coordination to education to prevention). We’d often even reward and idolize those who worked the hardest and gave the most. Because if we were indeed against gender-based violence, we shouldn’t rest until it ended, right?

Well, luckily for the entire movement, advocates and leaders started talking about how tired they all were, how they missed joy in their lives and realized they couldn’t continue at this pace.

So collectively, we all seem to pause and take one giant breath. We then began looking at self-care and sustainability practices to nurture ourselves.

While I learned so much about self-love and self-care during the last five years in the movement, I didn’t practice as much as I needed. A point came when I needed to step out of the race to care for myself and feel alive again.

That was two years ago. Since then, I’ve struggled with the guilt of leaving the work. I’ve struggled to find my purpose and feel the importance of making a difference.

But I have found joy again. I’ve learned to be gentler with myself and others. I’ve learned to let go of the feeling of needing to do more. I’ve learned to breathe again, literally.

So part of my feminist journey has been learning to show myself love and compassion. I show up every day the best I can, and I know that my best can look different every single day.

If you are new to discovering your feminism, I encourage you to start with loving and nurturing yourself first. Encourage and embrace your strengths and flaws. Seek creativity. Find joy for yourself. Nurture the girl you were and the woman you want to be. If you’ve been on your feminist journey for a while, do all that too but don’t forget to rest a bit.

In a world where women are often programmed to care for everyone around them first, the boldest, bravest, most feminist thing you can do is love yourself first. ❤️

Cheers!

The following is a poem shared frequently in the movement to end gender-based violence. I still read it often to help remind me to create space for myself. ‍

Fire

by Judy Brown

What makes a fire burn

is space between the logs,

a breathing space.

Too much of a good thing,

too many logs

packed in too tight

can douse the flames

almost as surely

as a pail of water would.

So building fires

requires attention

to the spaces in between,

as much as to the wood.

When we are able to build

open spaces

in the same way

we have learned

to pile on the logs,

then we can come to see how

it is fuel, and absence of the fuel

together, that make fire possible

We only need to lay a log

lightly from time to time.

A fire

grows

simply because the space is there,

with openings

in which the flame

that knows just how it wants to burn

can find its way.

8.6.23 Obstacles.

I wrote this last spring. Still trying to figure out how I was going to push through the fear.

Obstacles. I had this silly idea of creating a blog and podcast that highlights feminism in the Midwest. Midwestern values and the values of the feminism movement seem to be at opposing ends of the spectrum right now, but I think the two are more closely intertwined than either is willing to admit. I have also seen myself embracing both value sets, both ways of life, both fundamental ways they see the world. And I can say my views, my values have not shifted, maybe zoomed out in a more worldly concept, but definitely not changed.

I have been contemplating this for a almost a year now. Here it is, the middle of April, spring is in its full swing of temperature spectrums (70 degrees and sunny on Sunday, 40 degrees and snow on Monday). Time for new growth. Time for births. Time to work the soil in preparation for planting crops. But something is holding me back. It is the fear that this journey could lead me to not “belong” to either side. It's that voice saying, “who are you to tell your side, your journey?” It's the self-doubt of “will anyone even care?”

But something is saying this is my story, and though others may not get it or care, it is one that I must tell. The thing that is holding me back is based on the idea that I am telling this for others. But in a world that sees self-love and self-compassion as selfish, I am brave enough to step forward and say I am doing this for myself. I am not doing this because I feel I need to justify my thoughts, beliefs, or values. I am doing this to allow myself to have a voice and to step out into bravery and show a glimpse at the why behind my life’s work.

I think we all create obstacles when we aren’t brave enough to remove the armor and embrace our authenticity. For generations I have seen, just like farmer’s hands, calluses built up to protect the flesh on the outside and the tender heart on the inside. There is no time to cry over a crop lost or a calf lost at birth. There is not time to show worry or tiredness, for there is always something to do on a farm or ranch. Strength and tenacity are the survival skills fostered. But I know enough about rural Midwestern values to know that love and hope are tucked away in every heart. They do show up differently in rural Nebraska.

Love for the community. Love for neighbors. Love for family. Love for the Huskers. Despite anything, love exists. It may not always show in the way love should or needs to, but it is there. There is hope every season as thousands of dollars are invested in seeds that are planted in the soil. An entire family’s livelihood rests in the dark earth and despite all that can be done by a farmer, ultimately left up to Mother Nature to decide the outcome. There is hope when cows are bred for Spring calving. Hope for good weather and markets that yield profits at sale time.

So my obstacle, in the beginning, is finding the courage to believe I can tell this story for me. I will have to soften the calluses and tell my story of love for communities as a whole and as individual elements to a wonderful masterpiece. And I will move forward with the hope that maybe there is a bigger purpose to me sharing my story. And maybe that bigger purpose is just me being brave.

Update August 6, 2023 - my obstacle right now is to continue. I feel the doubt and second guessing and I want to retreat. So I must hold steadfast and continue peeling away the armor. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of vulnerability yet, but whew I can feel the drafts in my shell. Sit tight.

8.5.2023 Just a poem -

Red Lipstick

by Jenny B.

I bought red lipstick.

A shade I’ve never worn.

Will I save it for something special,

or wear all alone.

Today I wore the lipstick,

out to lunch and shopping.

It was the last thing I put on before leaving.

Nerves.

I should explain.

I should explain why lipstick,

Why the color red.

Such a bold color,

for a not so bold person.

No.

Just do.

No explanation,

No polling for validation.

This is for me, no one else.

This shade of red, so bold and vivid.

Not to bring attention,

But to take up space I was meant to claim.

Allow myself to be seen,

No blending into the crowd.

Red.

Bright red.

I deserve this space I claim.

Home again.

Lipstick faded.

For a while I took the space I wanted.

No explanation.

Now it’s back to blending in.

Subtlety being brave.

But the space I claimed is mine.

No explanation.

8.4.2023 - Labels. I don’t recall the exact moment I became a feminist. Or is it realized I was a feminist? Either way, I do remember the moment I owned being a feminist.

I was attending diversity training several years ago. We had to write down our “labels” on tiny pieces of paper. Labels are things you are known for, what people say about you or notice about you. Maybe they are words like funny or inintelligent, or they may be characteristics like red-headed or female. Labels can be things you like or dislike, they can make you proud or even feel ashamed.

Once we had our labels written down, we spread them out in front of us. We then had to choose one that could be seen unfavorablely and explain why. I had feminist on one of my labels. I identified with it because of my work but was indifferent to it. It could also be seen negatively. So I chose that one. I remember explaining that I was a feminist by definition but didn’t feel like it was a good thing. I explained that it felt extreme or was seen as revoluntionary. Many had told me it was irrelevant. We then had the option of removing the label or hiding it from others. Tempting. I thought about it. I couldn’t.

I couldn’t turn it over, or remove it from me. I am a woman, who wants to empower and advocate for other women, and other humans. If I had chosen then or now to hide it or remove it from my persona, it would change who I was. It was then, I decided to embrace this label. Own it. I shifted from being indifferent to curious about what it meant to be a feminist. I started seeking others who proudly wore the same label. Any shame I felt lifted. In the end, I knew I would feel more shame for trying to hide or minimize it.

I want to encourage and empower others. I want the best for all humans, all girls, all women. I want all humans to feel comfort, safety, love, and compassion. And if that makes me a feminist, then I will proudly say it is so. And I wear my label fiercely.

8.3.2023 - Brave. Bravery is doing things while you are scared. Taking a deep breath and trusting you know best. I haven’t always been brave. I still don’t think of myself as a “brave” person. I don’t have a heroic job, I don’t do anything “extreme”. I usually play things safe. What if we all started to push ourselves just a bit more? Not giving in to what others want us to do and just following along, but listening to our soul’s dreams. Pushing ourselves towards growth and change.

I’ve often had dreams or wishes in my heart I downplayed or outright ignored. Some I have even played off as a joke. I often hear a voice of doubt that says, “Someone is already doing that” or “Someone can do that better.”

One example for me is art. I loved art class in school. I took an art class from Kindergarten to my senior year in high school. I had an amazing art teacher who would let me try almost anything. We did stained glass, painted, clay, paper, basket weaving, glass etching….literally just about anything. For whatever reason I distanced myself from art as I got older. I saw other artists' work and thought, “What is the point if others can create more beautiful things? I don’t need to”. So I enjoyed and admired others' work. Like art, there are many things that I just decided others could do and are doing better than me. Suddenly, I found I was only left doing things that no one else wanted to do or doing things that I didn’t even want to do.

Lately, I have begun to create, I guess I could say, “art.” It may be something small or even a whole bathroom facelift (I guess John helped too!). But I am seeing ways to let my soul create. Some creations are pretty, something aren’t. But it's the creative process when my soul feels energized and free channeling creativity. Allowing my energy to flow and manipulate external mediums creating interpretations of the world around me. And to be honest not everything in this world is beautiful or perfect, so why should my art be?

Now, we all have things we have to do. Cleaning, laundry, taxes…things can get pretty uncomfortable when we don’t. But while coming up with my project I decided to look at what it is I WANT to do. And if asked I would always say, “I want to be a writer.” And through this project, I will continue to seek things my soul wants or is drawn towards.

Close your eyes. Deep breath in….listen. What does your soul say? What is the wish or dream that threads its way into almost any thought of the future? One day I will ______. I have always wanted to be a ________.

Two things. We only get so many days. Our soul has a purpose for being here and putting off your purpose stifles your soul's worldly experience. So why not now? You could miss your chance for your soul to shine. Second, your soul knows the way. Your soul has been trying to show you all this time. Listen. Your soul is here in this time and place for a specific reason. Let it guide you. Your soul’s infinite wisdom knows the way, trust it to pull you forward.

I previously told you my version of Cultivating Feminism is a couple of years old. Well, I had talked about it with my friend Lynne at that time. Since then, I always seem to have an excuse for why I didn’t go forward with it.

Now, if you are gonna seek reassurance and support from someone, it is her. She is a natural-born leader and coach. She has believed in me and encouraged me when I didn’t believe or couldn’t encourage myself. So naturally when I was getting ready to start my project and launch Cultivating Feminism, I wanted to immediately reach out for her encouragement and validation. But I paused.

Something in my soul, in my heart said “Wait.” I felt this project was something I wanted to do, something I should do, and now was the time. I had talked about it before with her, she was very encouraging and supportive. So what was I seeking now? I realized I wanted to make sure she believed in me because I was having doubts. I was doubting my decisions. My design. My way. My choices. So, I decided to try something new. I decided to be brave. Just do. So I put it out there. Shared it. Waited.

She did of course text me this morning to offer all that I was looking for before I moved forward. Support, praise, encouragement, and love. And it felt great! Just as if felt great getting positive feedback and old friends reaching out to me to tell me how I had encouraged them in the past. But the lesson my soul needed to teach me now, at this moment was clear. I needed to believe this was what I wanted. I needed to realize that no one else could tell me this was right or wrong. This was my journey to take whether I walked alone or had others cheering. I believed in myself. I trusted myself. Oh did my soul need that!

So what is something you have hesitated on? Something you haven’t received enough encouragement or validation to try? It could be something as small as wearing red lipstick (which I may try!). Or it could be running a marathon (I’m probably not gonna try) or trying out for a play. Do it! And when you see others being brave (especially women), cheer for them. For they are believing in themselves. They are probably scared or nervous. But just one (or several) cheers and kind words can make all the difference in fueling the bravery to keep going. Don’t judge or critique. Just say, “Go you!”

So go. Be brave. Cheers!

8.2.2023 - I am finalizing the details for my spiritual portion of my feminist journey. I grew up Christian, attending the small Methodist church in my hometown. So when I decided to dig deeper into the spiritual side, I decided to let go of what I saw as spiritual. I am attending a Retreat called Awaken Your Spirit hosted by the Sacred Women's Collective. I am choosing activities and preparing to go this journey alone. I know no one in this group. I am sleeping in a shared loft area. And I have decided to opt in for the extra activites where I would normally opt out (so boat ride and electric bike ride, here we go!). This retreat is Yoga, healthy eating, feelings, connecting, vulnerability. Basically 5 of my top 10 fears. The others are spiders, heights, open water swimming (which is also part of this retreat), bats, and people (which this experience includes too). Im not sure how yet to prepare myself for this, but I am feeling pretty nervous about my choice so far!

8.1.2023 - You have to start things on a Monday or the first day of the month, right? Well, that is how my mind functions. I missed Monday, so I decided to put this out there to share today. I wrote this more than a year ago, before so much in our world changed. Our rights are evolving. Jason Aldean is still singing. The Barbie movie is trying to induce thoughts. (Side note: I am only an early 2000s Jason Aldean fan and I LOVED the Barbie movie!). We will talk more about all those as I progress on this journey. But I thought I'd start with something I wrote when cultivating feminism was a new idea for me. I hope it means something to you as it does to me. It's a longer read, but I think its worth it. Click the link:

Feminism