Cultivating

feminism

The Retreat - Week 4

This is an open journal about my journey exploring feminism.

Spiritual Awakening - How do you verbalize an experience for which your life shifted? Change, but there was a palatable shift. A transfer of energy, an alignment. Less than four complete days, little outside influence. Just a state of presence in a beautiful place with beautiful souls.

8.24.23 DAY 1

THE BASE - It’s hard not to distract yourself with the outside world. For the next four days, I will try hard to focus inward. Be curious about me instead of others.

I immediately started scanning my phone when I arrived at the airport. Then, I chatted with an acquaintance. As we moved to the boarding area, I exited social media and paused. Quieted my mind.

Pause. That word has been coming to mind a lot lately. Slow is another word that surfaced.

How do we downshift our entire lives? How do we pause and slow down? Will people think we are rude? Will others think we are lazy? Does any of that matter?

Happiness. Health. Healing. Love. Those matter. All those also require time and attention.

So, these next four days are about pausing, slowing down, and deciding with mindfulness instead of habit. Takeoff and landing to Lake Tahoe complete. Awakening commenced.

THE CLIMB - So, let’s start with the place. I decided instead of taking a ride share from Reno to Lake Tahoe, I would rent a car and purposefully take my time with the journey to the retreat location. I picked the path through the mountains, curves, hills, declines, and little chance to pass others. I had to go with the flow of traffic, with the flow of the universe.

My windows were rolled down so I could take in the crisp air. No music, just me with my thoughts of what this trip was going to be. What I wanted to be at the end. As I came around one curve, it seemed the sky filled the space between the mountains below. As if I was suddenly above the sky itself. But it was Lake Tahoe. I caught my breath and was almost hypnotized by the sight of this blue jewel nestled in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

I descended to the level of Lake Tahoe, about 6000 ft above sea level. I parked the car. I needed to feel the water. Although I am a water sign, I am not drawn to water. I enjoy it but haven’t ever been drawn to be in it. But this was something new. I needed to feel it. I slipped off my sandals and stepped into the coolness of this Alpine Lake. The pureness, the clarity. The energy. Palatable. But doubt crept in. I was going to be checking into a house in a few hours with 18 other people I did not know. In a place I did not know. I didn’t even have a schedule of what to expect. But this experience was about leaning into my fears. Trusting that I am enough to try new things. And to explore the spirituality of feminism. I had no idea what that would be. And that started to scare me.

GROUNDING - One of my favorite lines from the Barbie Movie is, “I suddenly feel very conscious, but it’s mostly about myself.” Maybe because I have always been self-conscious, and Barbie felt this for the first time after leaving Barbieland. I know very few people who aren’t self-conscious at some point in their lives. As I pulled up to the two condos the Sacred Women’s Collective would occupy for the next four days, I felt very conscious of myself. “What the hell am I doing?” was on repeat as I sat in my car looking at the small group gathering outside the doors waiting for check-in. Breathe. Pause. Go.

The arrival was typical, with the exception of hugs from the Sacred Women Collective retreat team as we all arrived. Not just a quick squeeze, either. A hug of love, strength, reassurance. Welcome. From the two hosts, the two helpers, and the chef. Then each person who joined was welcomed the same, and the growing group wanted to know who they were and why they were here. Each person was being acknowledged, being seen. All our souls beginning to weave the connections.

Grounded. Not in the sense we did wrong, but in the sense of pausing and connecting with where we were. One of the first things we did as a group was walk up the mountain to the trees, nature exposed. We removed our shoes and connected with the earth. Giving and receiving energy. To feel rooted and grounded to where we were. All of us. To feel our souls reaching out to connect with the area, with each other.

CIRCLE - Scared Women’s Circle. This was a first for me. I’ve connected with women, talked with women, cried, laughed, and hugged with women. Never had I sat in Circle with them. The idea of the Circle is as ancient as any society. Women coming together and bonding, sharing stories, sharing support, love, and commonly connecting as one. Some have been for a purpose of food preparation, birthing, menstruating, sewing, reading, dying, really anything. Each culture, each time period, each meaning is different. According to Sacred Women Collective, Sacred Circle is “being in community with other non-competitive, non-judgemental women.” In each Circle, we will do meditation, sharing, breathwork, sound baths, and “sharing and listening from the heart.”

Each of the 19 women on this retreat looked different, talked differently, and lived differently. As I listened to each one share, I saw exteriors fall away. I heard vulnerability, I sensed souls revealing themselves to the sacred space, to each other. Stories of hope, loss, love, fear, insecurity, and confidence. Sparks of connections and similarities in everyone’s stories were revealed.

As I climbed into bed that night, insecurity snuggled in next to me. What was I doing here? How was I going to fit in this group, in this circle? I could feel myself retreating inward. Deciding what I could and could not share. I would be vulnerable, but only with that in which I was comfortable sharing. A safe vulnerable. An “appropriate” amount of vulnerability. A spiritual experience without the pain. That was my plan.

8.25.23 DAY 2 - TUNING IN

I woke up very early. My body was adjusting to the altitude, time zone, and sharing feelings. I tried to journal, but my mind felt frozen. It's almost like a trauma response of freeze. If I am still enough, will I get by just getting by? Can I fake this transformation? I looked outside and saw the light growing from behind the trees and mountains. The energy of this place is surreal. It could be the grounding; it could be this place. But the connection is almost supernatural. The silence and the peacefulness magnify it.

We are supposed to “Tune In” today. What exactly is that? I feel tuned into the place. I do feel connected with myself. I admire all the women I have met so far. I’ll just try to go with the flow of the day and see what happens.

Yoga. So I thought I had done Yoga. I have been in a few classes and done some online videos. But this Yoga was killer. I tried maintaining my focus and doing what I could, but I couldn’t help but compare myself to others. Everyone else seemed to just flow with it. I felt like I was always running behind. Or my body would not let me hold or move the way I wanted. But I made it through (faked it through).

I have to pause here and talk about the food for a minute, partly because we had breakfast right after Yoga that day. So the menu was Vegan, prepared by Chef Dori. I may be writing about Chef Dori more because her love for all of us and her passion for preparing and serving food was magical. If you roll your eyes at Vegan or even gag a little, you have not had vegan food. Everything I ate was flavorful, filling, healthy, and good for my tummy. Seriously, my stomach was happy the entire time. Thank you, Dori!

After breakfast, we moved on to a short hike. I should’ve listened to my body. A little less than halfway through, I was done. My entire body hurt; I was shaking and could hardly walk. I felt a bit like a failure for “giving up.” How was I supposed to tune in and connect with everyone if I went back to the house? I then recalled something Staci had told us in circle the night before. I will not quote it because I didn’t write it down. She said that a Sacred Woman, an awakened woman, is kind, loving, non-judgmental, and all this other cool stuff (those are my words). But a Sacred Woman says what she needs. So I said what I needed. “I need to go back.” I somewhat expected to be met with disappointment. But instead, I was met with love and compassion. With understanding. And two others said they wanted to go back too, which was good because I would’ve gotten lost without them!

The rest of the day, I listened to what I needed. I journaled. I lay in the sun by the pool with others. I tried not to revert to aloneness; that is my comfort. Instead, I sought out others to chat with and connect with. This is partly because I saw the theme for the next day was “Connecting,” so I was trying to practice. I have always felt awkward trying to connect with people. I do connect sometimes, but I usually resort to my sarcastic humor to do so. I tried not to fall into old habits, but it was SOOO hard. But this retreat stuff was serious business, right? So, I had to be serious about “connecting.” Talking about feelings, my Exploring Feminism project, spirituality, and all those other serious things I tried to avoid.

While preparing for my second Sacred Circle, I panicked about what the heck I would share. No one has to share in circle, but if I want to be awakened, I MUST share. Or at least that is what I kept telling myself. I had nothing else to offer about why I was here. I already said I am exploring feminism. That should be enough. Enough to what? Validate that I am here. To validate why I am on this journey? What if I didn’t need to validate my place?

It suddenly came to me that in sharing the night before, I had to try to validate my place in the circle. I didn’t share what I needed or why I (as a soul) was here. I didn’t share how the universe held the last place in the retreat for me. All things aligned so I could be here in this moment, on this journey, in this place, with these 18 other souls. Back to the Red Lipstick experience (although I didn’t bring it on this trip). Take the space! No explanations. So that night, I shared I was there because I needed and wanted to be. No explanations. And the circle accepted me. And I cried, lots of tears.

We then got to attune to a crystal. Blue Sodalite. The color matched the deepest shade of Lake Tahoe blue. It is for enhanced intuition and spiritual insight. I closed my eyes and picked the one that first caught my eye. It is dark blue and grey swirls with one white edge. This one spoke to me because I felt I was just at the edge of this awakening journey. I am the white part waiting to dive into the deep, dark blue.

One of the last things we did before the end of Day 2 was to look at ourselves in the mirror. I know that seems like something we all do every day, but this wasn’t like brushing your teeth, mirror gazing when you notice the darkness under your eyes or the stray eyebrows and chin hairs that need plucking. This was stop, look closely, look at yourself in the eyes (which is hard not to do and go cross-eyed). Look at yourself in wonder and say (out loud), “I love you.” And repeat it. Say it like you mean it. Say other things you love about yourself, name specifically. It felt like we had to say it 100 times, but I tell you, as long as you find it difficult, funny, or cry sad tears while you do it, you must do it 1000 more times. It’s powerful to look at your soul while you declare to the world (or a small group of 18 others) that you love yourself.

I can’t say with certainty that I had ever before told myself that I loved me, truly and completely. I have loved so many others. I try to show them every day. But I had forgotten the one who carries me through life. The one who is with me always. Through so many tears…I love you.

8.26.23 DAY 3 CONNECTING

CONNECTING - I loved the people at the retreat. They were all beautiful, welcoming souls. Today's theme was connecting, which started with some time on the beach of Lake Tahoe. But honestly, I wasn’t feeling it. The beach, yes. Connecting, not so much. I am not a super peopley person, and I had been around 18 people, with little private/quiet time for almost two whole days. It wasn’t them. It was just the night before I declared my love for myself...out loud. Then, I cried in front of them (which I hate, by the way). And now, a morning connecting with them. Did I mention I hadn’t been sleeping well and maybe was a little cranky?

Well, we found a spot on the beach. Everyone settled in and either paired off with a chatting partner or went out to kayak or paddle board. None of it spoke to me. I just needed a minute, especially if I was supposed to connect with others for the day. So I put on my sunscreen, stuck in my earbuds, and listened to my audiobook. As I lay basking in the sun, tuning out the world, my mind kept fixating on connecting. “I’m trying!” kept on repeat in my head. “I will later.” “Isn’t it enough I cried in front of all these people?” “How?” “Maybe I just don’t connect that easily.” Audiobook off. I sat up, looking around for other retreatgoers. They were all engrossed in activities. So, I stared at the water. The water glistened as the sun came up over the mountains. The air was still.

“Go to the water.” No, I didn’t hear those words, nor did I speak them. I felt them. I honestly can’t explain it, but I felt the words “Go to the water.” On a warm day, in the middle of the afternoon, Lake Tahoe water is about 70 to 75 degrees, so it’s not the warmest. And this was morning! I am not a cold water swimmer! Others were undoubtedly enjoying the briskness of the water, but I was sure I would pass. Then again, “go into the water.” I looked around to see if there was anyone I could “connect” with to avoid whatever was happening. I thought maybe this was the universe punishing me for being crabby. No one was close by, dang. So, I got up and slowly meandered the lake's edge.

The lake water was so vivid blue, and pure. Much like the Caribbean, but with the added magic of being closed off from the world around by mountains. The feeling of being drawn in intensified. I stepped into the water, yep, still cold! But the urgency of “go to the water” only grew stronger. As I slowed and deepened my breath to counter the chill, I walked in until the water was just above my waist. “Fine, I’m here, and it’s cold,” I thought as I stood in the water. Then stillness. I closed my eyes. The cold was gone. Calmness washed over me. I could feel the energy of the lake. “What in the heck is going on,” I started to think, but then calmness and stillness. Pause. Slow. Then, the following exchange with the universe or the lake (or whoever you interpret it to be) happened:

“What am I…” I started.

“Shhh….listen. Listen to the stillness. Feel the energy. Just breathe,” said the universe or the lake. So I paused.

“Connecting. Who and how can I connect? That is what I'm supposed to be doing, connecting.”

“Then connect.”

“With whom? I’m trying. I’m talking, I’m sharing, I’m doing the things. Who am I supposed to connect with?”

Then, the lake/universe whispered, “You.”

I sucked in my breath. And as if the lake's energy pulled me, I sank under the water. Once I surfaced, the water's coolness returned, and I felt something.

The pressure of connecting, of doing this retreat “right,” was gone. I reconnected with my soul. I felt a release and cleanse of all I had been carrying—renourishment of being.

I did connect with others for the remainder of the day. I also experienced visions of my female ancestors during my meditation in Circle that night. And I felt immense calmness, wholeness, and a deep connection with Lake Tahoe. And when I slept, my whole body rested.

8.27.23 DAY 4 AWAKENING

So, what does one do on a day of spiritual awakening? Apparently, you get up before dawn because your body is rested. You also notice the smell of the mountains and how the light changes as the sun creeps up the far side of the mountains. You relish in the silence and stillness of being present. The feeling of being suppresses the nagging sense of urgency and time and allows you to loosen your grip on time. But not for too long, because today was more time on the lake, this time on a boat. I made a conscious effort to try to connect with those who I hadn’t had much chance yet. I sat at the front of the boat as it navigated along the shoreline. Some of the ride was silent as I took in all around me, and I tried to memorize as much of the landscape as possible. The vastness of the water was as surreal as the mountains that rose in every direction. The cool air and water sprays kept me focused on just being in the presence of the lake and the souls who were experiencing this journey with me. I knew I would visit again because the lake had spoken to me, but I was unsure when. It felt good to be around these women. To spend this day surrounded by the lake that had captured all our hearts. It was pure magic.

In Circle that night, no tears of sadness, insecurity, or fears. Only expressions of gratitude and love. All had experienced vastly different journeys in these few days, but all were connected by wanting to deepen our spirituality. I couldn’t say what specific religion any of the women were, nor what their beliefs were on what most would consider “major” issues. But I feel like I knew their hearts. Connected with their souls. We all want the world to be kinder and better for everyone. There is something to be said for those who take chances to learn more about themselves and others. There is so much to be said for 19 women who spend four days looking for ways to connect instead of separating by differences. For those who cheer as we each try new things and push ourselves. For those who embrace us when we cry, tell us we are beautiful, encourage us to take care of ourselves, and respect us when we need space. And show up with love for one another. But most importantly, these women took the time to see one another. To see me, and me them.

Awakened souls are ready to spread love and kindness, with gratitude to the universe for this experience. For Lake Tahoe.